Letter to the Parking Violations Bureau — City of Los Angeles
12 March 2021
RE: Citation number XXX
Dear Brave Men, Women and Nonbinaries of the Parking Violations Bureau,
I have received yet another letter #216, regarding citation number XXX, from your esteemed office. This is the 3rd letter in a row of this format. The letter fails to address any points I raised in my previous communications. I am thoroughly confused.
A friend suggested to me that your office doesn’t actually read the letters it receives from folks like me, and simply sends out invoices no matter the content of the letters. I told my friend that’s not true and that every letter sent to your office is thoroughly read and contemplated. That any case for dismissing things like “Erroneous Late Fees” are debated ad nauseam between the learned staff members of the Parking Violations Bureau. All arguments are given a far shake and counsel representing both sides of the matter are heavily invested in serving justice. Indeed, these are the core values of the Parking Violations Bureau.
That same friend then said something that offended me, but it’s true that I’m easily offended. He said, “The field personnel who work for the Parking Violations Bureau are essentially snitches who wear Halloween costumes and drive around in fancy golf carts.” I was flabbergasted! He then went on to say, “There is only 1-degree of separation between them and clowns in the circus who trip over each other as they endlessly flow out of a Volkswagen Beetle.” I was so angry at his comments that I almost peed my pants! He then asked me if I knew whether or not the field personnel are issued whistles on a string. I couldn’t answer that question for him. Can you?
Once I composed myself, I said, “On the contrary, as we approach the one-year anniversary of the perpetual 2-week lockdown, be sure to thank the brave personnel of the Parking Violations Bureau who risked their lives during the worst pandemic the world has ever seen. Day after day, these champions of freedom battled the Grim Reaper to uphold liberty and give you parking tickets when you weren’t allowed to leave your house. These noble patriots are front-line heroes and deserve public acknowledgment for their selfless work. Even when the politicians said that we’re all safer at home, these Knights of Valor put on their masks, mounted their eco-friendly carts (that have alpha-names like, “Interceptor” — because they’re intercepting injustice!) and took to the streets to defend the values of this great nation. These tip-of-the-spear lionhearts knew the risks but understood that their lives were a small price to pay if they could complete their mission of moxie.” At this point I started to tear up — I’m so proud of those who served during the Great Pandemic of 2020. With salty droplets streaming down my face I said to him, “On behalf of everyone who received a parking ticket while on house arrest during the pandemic, we should say, ‘thank you for your service!’” I then told him that I stop and salute parking attendants when they drive past me on the streets of Los Angeles because I was taught to respect peeps in uniform, and everyone at the Parking Violations Bureau is my peep — ‘sup?!
He snickered at me, but I stood my ground! I put my left hand on my hip, I pointed my right index finger at his root chakra, and I stomped my foot! “No!” I said. “There is a special place in the Astral Plane reserved for these stalwart defenders of the parking code! They are on a mission from Lord Ganesh and I will not allow you speak despairingly of them!” I gave him such an evil eye that he knew not to challenge this Queen! He read Alice in Wonderland before it was banned and knows what happens when you defy with the Queen!
Sorry, I feel like I’m getting off track. Allow me to focus…Ommmmm…. Ommmmm…. That’s better.
Look, given that you have certainly read my previous letters and have equitably considered my arguments for dismissing the erroneous fees (I would bet the parking ticket on it!), I feel as though I didn’t do a good job of explaining myself, so let me provide you with additional information. To start, let me say that I do not identify as someone who failed to pay her parking. Attached you will find proof of payment for the parking ticket in December 2020 — what else do you need? Why are we wasting ink like this? Do you have an unlimited ink supply in your printer? I don’t!
Because I fully respect your decision on this matter, and I trust in the honesty and integrity of your office, I have decided to enclose payment of $125 as requested. However, I would expect that by the time you have finished reading this letter and referenced my previous letters, you will find it moral to return the check to me uncashed. You know how to reach me because you have been sending me letter #216 on repeat for several weeks.
Furthermore, I am waiting with bated breath for a response on two of the points I raised in my last letter, namely:
1. Retroactive, hazardous duty compensation for Parking Violations Bureau field personnel who bravely served during the Covid-19 lockdowns, along with a public announcement thanking them for their service
2. The City of LA reviews its demand letter processes and hotline recordings to ensure that they lack systemic racism and exploitation of any deprived group within its jurisdiction
Can you please update me on these 2 points?
Thank you for your consideration and your speedy processing of this matter. I will be sipping sugar-free ice-tea by my mailbox as I wait for the returned check.
Stay safe and Namaste!